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“God’s Quiet, Clear Voice”
by Ginnie J.
First Pres Times 04/8/01
Throughout the Scriptures, our God is always communicating to his people in different ways. And I believe He continues to speak to us today. Unfortunately, I’m often busy with way too many other urgent or important preoccupations and I don’t hear him clearly. Fortunately, because He doesn’t stop trying to reach me, we’ll be working on that piece together until eternity.
Several times during my life, God has made his intentions for me very direct and very clear. The two I’d like to share concern overcoming compulsive and addictive behaviors.
Growing up in an alcoholic family predisposed me, I suppose, to addictive behaviors of my own. Both nature and nurture played out their roles in our family and I learned early that overindulgence in food was a wonderful love substitute. As I grew into my teen years, cigarettes, liquor and amphetamines also became major props easing my attempts at negotiating through life. I slid into active bulimia by my sophomore year of high school, which continued for 20 years. Either I was following a very tightly controlled, rigid eating plan and the bulimia was held in check, or I was totally out of control eating & drinking everything in sight, then purging the excess through self-induced vomiting. I knew of no one else who did this, nor was there a name for it at that time. It was my secret shame.
In 1969, I discovered Overeaters Anonymous and the 12 Steps of Recovery adapted from Alcoholics Anonymous. It was at these meetings that I learned I was just like an alcoholic, helpless, that my disease had a name, and that there was hope through the intervention of a “Higher Power”. I had no idea what that meant, but I kept returning to the meetings and listening.
In 1972 I was pregnant with our first child, my act was slowly cleaning up in some areas, I was attending all sorts of Anonymous 12-Step meetings, but the bulimia and smoking really had me.
This is where God interceded with his grace, before I knew He had a name. One night while I was sleeping, God spoke to me. A strong, but kind, authority filled me and told me in a silent voice to stop smoking, that I was killing myself and my unborn child; that I was a fool. Well of course I woke up immediately assuming the voice had been my husband’s. But he was sound asleep. Besides, he was a heavy smoker also. I knew it was the God I didn’t know. Not only did He speak to me about the smoking, but at that moment, He totally removed the desire to smoke and gave me the strength to continue without that crutch. [Someone told me later that was God’s “prevenient grace” (????) at the time I was still searching for knowledge of who or what this Higher Power was. ]
Three or four years after the smoke-out event, I did come to belief in Jesus Christ but still struggled miserably with my ugly secret: bulimia. I was working the 12-Steps of the anonymous programs to the best of my ability and of course my weight was down, so I looked quite “normal”. Inside, I was tortured and could never successfully control the compulsive overeating followed by the violent purging of self-induced vomiting. I had learned many “whys” for my behavior, but was totally unable to stop on my own.
By 1980 I was a wife and mother of three sons with a terrible secret that virtually ruled my life. I believed that I would die acting our the ugliness of bulimia.
It was here that God again met me at a particular time and place in my life, in the middle of yet another episode of binging and vomiting. With my head over the toilet, I heard the silent voice of great authority. He was telling me that I needed to take responsibility for whatever I put into my mouth, that no one held me down, force fed me, or compelled me to purge --except my own self. And that I needed to stop. With that experience of God speaking to me came the power to do what He told me.
Since 1980, I have been totally free of bulimia. Thank God!!! However, what became glaringly evident was that the bulimia was only a symptom of more subtle underlying problems in my life that needed healing. With the blazing fire put out God could next focus with me on pulling down the charred timbers of a life run on self will hiding a center of fear, then lovingly but sometimes painfully, rebuild that life into something useful.
(I still attend some secular 12-step meetings, but am very excited about and involved in “Celebrate Recovery”, a new recovery ministry here at First Pres Berkeley. It’s a safe place to recover from any hurts, hang-ups, habits, and addictions and is based on the 12 Steps. Celebrate Recovery currently meets on Friday evenings in the College Lounge at 7 p.m.)
“Small Group to Help with Recovery”
by Pam M
First Pres Times, 11/25/01
Hello, my name is Pam. I'm a believer in Jesus Christ and I struggle with over eating and codependency.
I want to share briefly with you how I'm being transformed. This is happening through attending small group meetings at Celebrate Recovery. CR is a 12-step program with Jesus Christ being our higher power. It is based on the beatitudes of Jesus.
So, why am I at CR? In 1990, my world turned upside down. My dad died that year and I had no feelings of grief. I asked myself why I wasn't feeling anything. At this time also, when I stayed overnight with Mom, she would wake up with panic attacks of fear. I was scared and had no idea what was happening.
In 1993, while my immediate family was in Mauicelebrating Carla's high school graduation, I receive a call that my mother was in the hospital. She had attempted suicide. I had neither communication skills nor boundaries to help me walk alongside mom. She wanted to live in our home and I felt much guilt in telling her that wasn't an option. I gradually took on the parent role. In retrospect, I realize that I had set my first boundary with mom by not offering to let her live with our family, somehow realizing it would have been an unhealthy choice for my family and me.
For 10 years, I took mom to many different physiologists. There just wasn't a magic pill to cure her and I was unwilling to allow mom to have shock treatments. Mom suffered from psychotic depression, panic attacks, and in the final years, signs of dementia. She had a broken heart, and was leaning on me.
In summary, my old self had frozen feelings, no communication skills, no boundaries, and great confusion with regards to how to love and respect my mother.
By 1996, the straw that broke the camel's back was my severe physical pain. After six years of progressively intense pain, I had two hip replacements. I can see now that I was in emotional and spiritual pain as well. I was not seeking out the right source to assist me. I could no longer care with unconditional love for mom. I WAS BURNED OUT. I could not control my mother's behavior that hurt me, commenting on my too-large figure, refusing to acknowledge my presence, and in other ways showing her anger towards me. I felt unloved by my mom. I felt my lifetime of "only child" loneliness; my mother's emotional abandonment. Why had I not had hugs as I was growing up?
After taking the StephenMinistrytraining in 1995, I understood that I could only control ME, not my mother. I learned that I had valid feelings to express and it was okay to express anger. In order to sort out my hurt feelings and pain, I went to a Christian counselor. I accepted the truth and the "truth set me free." I acknowledged my mother's faults and accepted that my parents neglected me emotionally as a child. I forgave my mother, but we never verbally reconciled.
Before 1996, I had no spiritual tools in my toolbox. As I healed from hip replacement surgery in 1996, I committed my Fridays to Mother's Council Bible study. I had my first opportunity to ask others to pray, when I was unable to pray regarding my mom. I also joined the Billy Graham training sessions. Finally in 1996, I recommitted my life to follow Jesus Christ. I'm building my relationship with God through His son Jesus Christ.
Finally, I am starting to be equipped with Scripture. While listening to KFAX radio, I was introduced to my first passage in the Bible that gave me hope. Romans 5:3-5 says *We rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our suffering, because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us.* No longer would I let others, like my mom, take my hope away, because I knew already about having perseverance during my childhood and marriage.
After four years of prayer and study, God is still faithful in providing me with strength, comfort and peace as my community of sisters in Christ pray with me and for me. Last August 2000, mother chose not to eat and chose to die. For nine days, I walked alongside her with God and with community members praying for us. I had the opportunity to ask her to bring Jesus Christ into her heart and watched her let go of her anger with God. I knew at that moment that all the community prayers for past four years had made a difference. I felt God's faithfulness.
I started going to Celebrate Recovery only because my husband was asked to do the music. The first night I observed and judged others. I listened to their struggles and said to myself, "I don't have a problem with drugs or alcohol to do this 12-step program. Why am I here?"
Previously, my Stephen Ministry mentor suggested with love that she saw me as a codependent. I read the book Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie. I was in denial that I had a problem, but I decided to support my husband by going with him and started working on the 12 Steps.
I decided I wanted to work on my compulsion to over-eating. Even though I had lost 30 lbs. that past year, I confessed I had a problem. I still use food as comfort during times of stress, disappointment and loneliness. I am prone to stuff my feelings with food. But there wasn't a group that was working on eating disorders, so I reluctantly joined the codependent group of women.
In my CR small group, I took an inventory of my previous and current hurts and habits. As others shared their stories of codependency, I admitted to myself and to my CR small group members that I too have codependency habits and hang-ups. During the fourth step, I took a moral inventory of myself. I acknowledged my childhood hurts, my resentments, and my unhealthy dependence on food to comfort me. By working the steps, I am in the process of changing my habits and I'm exploring and trying new strategies to change my behavior. I am finding a deeper level of honest communication with my husband. I am becoming more open, to listen to how others perceive me. When appropriate, I am able to say I'm sorry or confess my shortcomings. I am in the process of learning to express my hurt feelings. I am learning to say no appropriately. I am learning to ask for what I want.
By working the steps with others, God can intervene with His Grace. God never intended us to be out of relationship with Him or our friends and family members. We all sin. We all have hurts, and hang-ups. Jesus said, “If you hold to my teachings, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8: 31-32 Come to Celebrate Recovery and identify those hurts, hang-ups and behaviors that prevent your feeling God's joy and peace.
"Dealing with My Past"
Bob A.
First Pres Times 4/14/2002
I’m a believer who struggles with codependency, anger, and workaholism. When I was five years old, my parents divorced. Although my mom was a Christian and I grew up going to church, I found it difficult to control my anger. I remember screaming at my mother, slamming doors, and locking myself in my room. I had a lot of trouble dealing with authority figures, especially men, and was terrified of angry people and bullies. My father basically ignored the fact that he had a son, and I seldom saw him. I felt he must not love me. I tried to get approval by being the perfect child, getting good grades, and not getting into trouble, but still I never saw my father, although he lived nearby.
When I got older, I did start spending an occasional weekend with him. The years after his second divorce were good, as I had my father to myself when visiting, but he soon took up with a woman whom I distinctly disliked. In answer to a question, I told him that I didn’t want him to get married, but of course he did anyway. So why did he ask me? I decided that what I wanted didn’t matter to him.
When I was in high school I started spending summers with my dad and his wife, Donna. She often told my dad how bad I was, and he criticized me constantly for not living up to his standards. I learned to give myself a constant stream of negative self-talk. I was afraid of his anger and wanted to please him, but I never could. I became perfectionistic, overly responsible, and fearful.
When I met my wife, I thought she was the sweetest person I had ever known. I still think that, but I understand we are both far from perfect. We started our relationship in the era of “sexual freedom.” It was only by the grace of God that I didn’t have an affair. I was in rebellion against God. I despised the Apostle Paul’s teachings as a perversion of Jesus’ message of love and freedom, which I thought was freedom to indulge the sinful nature. The mantra of the times was “you do your thing and I’ll do mine, and as long as we don’t hurt anyone, it’s beautiful.” The problem is, lots of people do get hurt, some right away, and others much later. Not considering my wife’s feelings cost us the emotional intimacy we both wanted so badly. We lost the potential to help each other heal and instead continued the cycle of hurts, habits, and hang-ups from our childhoods.
When kids came along, I was still angry and irritable, and so I treated them harshly at times. At work I was subject to emotional outbursts, especially when I couldn’t do something perfectly. I resented everyone-the misbehaving kids, the unresponsive wife, the unsupportive coworkers. But I couldn’t seem to convince them to change. Why wouldn’t they shape up? After all, they had the problem!
When my wife told me my five-year-old son was afraid of me, it shocked me out of my denial that I didn’t have a problem. The fact that my discipline was carried out in anger was obviously scaring my children. In marriage counseling, our therapist had been telling me that I needed to get some individual help. I gave in and went to a recovery program in Arizona. Psychodrama was used to evaluate the forces in people’s lives. I found that the roots of alcoholism, substance abuse, and many other disorders were the same: hurtful abuse or neglect in childhood. The stories I saw acted out there and the incredible outpouring of suppressed anguish by myself and others, shocked me into awareness of my own pain and the silent pain carried around by so many people.
When I returned home, I felt the pressure of everyone expecting me to be different. I was definitely changed by the experience, but recovery is gradual. I began to go to a counselor. I told him about my father who was emotionally distant, critical, and controlling. He said, “Tell me about your anger about the way you were treated.” I said, “I’m not angry”. After role playing sessions in which I had conversations with my dad about his discounting of my feelings, put-downs, and criticisms, I ended up beating on the counselor’s couch with a tennis racquet as hard as I could. Then came grief over the fantasy relationship with my father that I will never have. Next came forgiveness of my father, who was not able to give me what I wanted and needed from him. In spite of this forgiveness, to protect myself and my family, I realized I needed to break the dysfunctional relationship with him. It took tremendous practice and support for me to take this step. For a codependent whose survival skills consisted of pleasing others at any cost, this was a tremendous change.
I visited my aunt with my father, where I learned some of the realities of his childhood. His own father was so harsh, that he drove his wife into an insane asylum when my father was six. His sister became his “mom” for the next few years, but she moved out when she was 16. After that, my father did not have his basic needs met; his father refused to fix meals or give my father money. He had to steal money from his father’s cash register in order to eat. This was in spite of his father being a successful business man and a generous man to his neighbors. These revelations made me understand the poor role model my father had for fathering.
I began attending recovery meetings and attending Bible Study Fellowship. My ability to accept the unconditional love of my Heavenly Father and my Big Brother, Jesus, have been slow in coming but essential to recovery. As Paul says in Romans 5:8, But God demonstrates his own love for us in this, While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Having a new perfect Father has allowed me to develop a “New Adult” to love that wounded little boy, and to comfort him, while not letting him drive my bus!
I attended a Christian 12-step program, next, and found that the road to recovery is rocky and narrow but leads to spiritual growth, when tied to Scripture and prayer. Step 4 says: Make a fearless and searching moral inventory. Making my way through the fourth step was the most valuable one for me, and the most difficult. I found that the healing power of God was developed through the pain and struggle of facing my character defects and strengths.
When moving to the Bay Area, I spent a year living apart from my family during the week. At first I was very lonely. But then I learned the value of solitude. I learned how to be “with myself”. I learned this through prayer, attending recovery meetings, reading recovery literature, Bible study, and journaling. I learned to enjoy my own company. I learned new tools and new ways of looking at things. I accepted my perceptual filters as being distorted. I learned to fill the emptiness of trusting in people, places, and things, with the love of Christ and the unconditional acceptance of God through the grace of Jesus’ sacrifice. Now, in Celebrate Recovery meetings, I am continuing, in fellowship with other struggling Christians, to overcome resentments and find the pathway to peace.
I have some good news, and I have some bad news. The bad news is: I’m not cured. Just this week I’ve had to take a daily inventory and make amends to people I’ve hurt. Recovery is not a destination. As in becoming like Christ, it is not something you ever actually achieve. The good news is that I‘m recovering, day by day. I no longer live each day immersed in fear. I no longer need to please others and neglect my own needs. Through recovery I’ve learned to let go of what I can’t control (other people) and focus my energy on my own feelings, my own behaviors, and my own recovery. I’ve learned that seeking to get other people to minister to my needs isn’t Jesus’ way. His way is to seek God’s will, to serve others, to listen, to forgive, and to reach out to other people in love.
For those who are struggling with life’s hurts, hang-ups and habits, there is hope through the 12 steps. It is not necessary to feel good about needing to work the steps; it is only necessary to be willing. I trust Paul’s words in Philippians 1:6: being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
“Leaning on the Lord”
by Terry D
First Pres Times, 12/8/2003
I thank God almost every day for Jesus Christ and His saving grace in my life. As beautiful as God’s creation is we unfortunately are born into a fallen and sinful world. This magnificent world is filled with death, disease, hatred, anger, abandonment, betrayal, dishonesty, greed, fear and all sorts of tragic maladies from our sin. “There is none righteous, no, not one; There is none who seeks after God. They have all turned aside.”
When I was not yet quite three years old growing up in La Crosse, Wisconsin, my mother died from a sudden illness. We buried her on her 42nd birthday. It was tragic for our family which had already endured the pain of losing a child to illness just a few years earlier. My father, who already suffered from alcoholism, never recovered from the loss of his young wife and young child. His pain and rage and alcoholism consumed him until he finally committed suicide by parking his car on the railroad tracks and waited for a train to run him over and take his life. I had just turned eleven years old and I remember telling myself that day that I would never believe in God again.
I still don’t fully comprehend how wounded I was over the early loss of my mother and to compound that deep wound by the suicide of my best friend, my beloved father, was far more than my eleven year old mind and emotions could ever hope to process. As all hurt children do, I went into a hiding place where no other person could ever find me and hurt me ever again.
When I reached my teenage years I soon discovered that alcohol and drugs would ease and numb my pain and I turned to them every chance I could get.
I went off to college in Madison where I majored in debauchery and minored in Economics. I simply didn’t know any better. I had no direction and no mentor in my life - I was essentially at Satan’s mercy. When I go back to Madison now I still cry over the lost opportunity of that precious time for learning and study in my life.
Every family has a crazy Uncle Ned of some sort and our crazy Uncle Ned lived up Fargo country in Northern Minnesota where he owned a golf course. We called him crazy uncle Ned because he was one of those born again Christian types. He was always spouting Bible verses, holding Bible Studies and he was famous for fasting for 40 days - twice! I went up to work for this guy one summer as his greens keeper but my life style didn’t change one bit. I still carried on with my drinking and excessive lifestyle. Uncle Ned took offense to that and he cornered me one day in the mower barn and he poked the Gospel of Jesus Christ into my chest with his finger. He said. “Terry, you’re living a sinful life and you’re going to hell if you don’t change your ways. We’re all sinners, and Jesus Christ died as payment for all of our sins. You need to give your life to Jesus and you will be saved!” I didn’t have the slightest idea what he was talking about but I said okay-okay uncle Ned and walked away.
I finished up college and moved to San Diego where the grip of my addictions flowered into increasingly destructive behavior. When I was all of 26 years old I was prepared to follow in my fathers’ footsteps and commit suicide as the pain of living was becoming too great to bear. But I remember reaching out for whatever it was that crazy uncle Ned had that no one else seemed to have. He had a peace and a confidence and a joyousness about him that was very attractive and I asked God for whatever it was that crazy uncle Ned had I wanted it too. God graciously answered that prayer and He blessed me with His Holy Spirit on November 29, 1982. My thoughts of suicide ceased and my thoughts turned to the things of the Lord.
“For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved.”
There is still tremendous sin in this fallen world. There is still death, disease, anger, abandonment, betrayal, dishonesty, greed and fear. But I am better equipped to endure them now through the grace offered to me by my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Jesus, the creator of the universe, humbled Himself to endure all manner of sin and through Jesus I can then learn to follow his example and learn to endure all things though His grace.
The damages of sin are great and the process of healing and reconciliation takes time. I have wonderful examples of God’s graciousness in healing and reconciliation in my life. Shortly after the Holy Spirit entered my life I was still drinking and I begged God to take my alcoholism from me or to kill me on the spot and He graciously instantly healed me from my alcoholism on May 23, 1983. “Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find, knock and it will be opened to you.” It felt like 10,000 pounds being lifted off my shoulders that night when He healed me. I never drank again and the Lord with His delightful sense of humor had me bartending shortly thereafter.
Years later I suffered from severe depression. The depression was so thick you could cut it with a knife as it seemed the whole world was closing in around me. I was walking in downtown Oakland one day when a little old bag lady leaning against a wall stopped me and asked if I would help her walk to the bus stop. This woman’s feet were bent and crippled and stuck through her worn out shoes. She walked painfully slow chatting me up the whole way and she leaned on me very hard as we walked to the bus stop. We had to cross two intersections and she walked so slow the light changed twice while we crossed each intersection. I finally got her settled and said my good byes but I learned that day that depression can be dissipated by helping others less fortunate than myself and realizing that many souls have a far more difficult path in this life than I do. The Lord also told me that I was to lean on Him every step of the way as hard as that lady leaned on me every step of the way. Healing and reconciliation come in many ways and sometimes when we least expect it.
I also suffered from extreme paranoia where I could not trust a single soul. I thought the whole world and everyone I knew was plotting some sort of treachery either against me or against others. I couldn’t trust anybody. Over time it got so bad that the only person I found I could trust was Jesus and it seems that is exactly the place where He wanted me to be. I had to learn to trust Jesus first and that all of my other relationships were to be passed through my trust in Jesus. Sometimes we have to go through the pain and feel the pain to get to the place of healing and reconciliation.
God has blessed me over the years beyond my wildest dreams and expectations. He is so good and gracious and merciful and loving and faithful. His love is as constant as it is great. I am deeply thankful for the lessons learned and I look forward to the days ahead with anticipation and hope. I thank God for the awesome work of His Precious Son our Lord Jesus and for the comfort and wisdom of the Holy Spirit.
Untitled
by Chris F.
I’m a follower of Jesus and recovering addict and alcoholic. I grew up the oldest of eight sisters and brothers. Our Dad was an alcoholic. As we were growing up, our family life got more and more chaotic and out-of-control. I learned the 3 rules for survival in a dysfunctional family: don’t talk, don’t trust, and don’t feel. As a teen-ager, I started my own drinking career. I rebelled against the religious ideas I grew up with. I especially rejected the authority of a father God. My parents’ marriage broke up and my dad left, and everything seemed messed up and awful.
When I went away to college, the family was falling apart, and nobody was taking about the painful and difficult problems we were having. I couldn’t name the insanity then; I just knew it felt terrible. I began living in New York, where the drinking age was 18. Now I could drink whenever I wanted. Right away, I started smoking marijuana occasionally. Pretty soon I started smoking cigarettes. This time in my life was extremely difficult. There was a lot of acting-out sexually, and a lot of painful broken relationships as I struggled to find relief from the pain. My feelings of inadequacy made me desperate. I was jealous of others whom I imagined were better off than me. I was always comparing myself to others and perceiving them as rivals. I felt threatened by the talents and accomplishments of the people around me. I was driven by a relentless perfectionism.
By the time I graduated, I was discouraged and deeply depressed. Soon I tried another relocation, hoping I could feel better in a different setting. I thought my unhappiness was a result of not being in the right place at the right time. If I could just get the right combination of location and relationship, maybe everything would be OK.
I set off by myself to travel in Europe. I thought that self-sufficiency was the highest virtue. There were some pretty devastating moments. In a club in Amsterdam, I smoked something that somebody offered me and became so disoriented and sick I nearly passed out. I wasn’t good at taking care of myself and got into some dangerous situations. I smoked hash a lot because I was really afraid being by myself and it acted like a sedative. I kept finding fault with myself for feelings of vulnerability. I latched onto a boy in Amsterdam so I wouldn’t have to be alone. Later I married him so he could get a green card. Issues of co-dependency undermined every relationship I ever had. The idea that I could feel better if only I were in a different relationship led me into yet another affair. Finding fault with my husband made it easy for me to justify hurting him.
This time I was in love with a serious addict, but to me our using pot, cocaine and alcohol regularly was ‘partying.’ By now I was living in San Francisco. It felt like I had finally locked into the winning combination of circumstances. For awhile it was all fun. The drug-use was escalating steadily. I was self-employed, so I didn’t have to answer to anybody when hang-overs interfered with work.
I was making jewelry and selling it at craft-fairs and on Telegraph Ave. in Berkeley. I was free to get high whenever I wanted, and I did. Then I got pregnant. That didn’t fit into the lifestyle I had going. I figured, based on my family of origin, that I would avoid having children and the problems I had grown up with. I had an abortion. Afterwards I felt terrible. I was raised Catholic and knowing that I had terminated a life was something I couldn’t justify. It just felt wrong. I couldn’t forgive myself.
When the romance began going badly, I tried switching partners. It didn’t work. Now I was stoned and getting drunk daily. I was miserable and nothing was working to make it go away. I was crying all the time without knowing why. I tried counseling. I didn’t mention my drug use at first. When I did, she suggested the using could be “masking the issues.” The idea of quitting, especially the pot-smoking, was just unthinkable. I tried getting into a new relationship, but it didn’t relieve the depression.
I knew that the use of cocaine was causing serious problems, so I tried quitting that. By now I was living in the Tenderloin in San Francisco because of all the problems that were crashing down. There was no way I could pretend that I was OK. I managed to stop the cocaine, but spent several more years smoking marijuana and drinking and being depressed. I was getting older and friends around me were moving on with their lives and having children. I got pregnant but was ashamed and discouraged about my circumstances, and so had another abortion. By now the depression was severe. Everything I was doing or using was not working. Financial insecurity was a source of constant anxiety. My inability to support myself adequately contributed to the decisions to terminate the pregnancies. I felt that since I couldn’t make a decent living for myself, I had no right to have a child. I believed that it was completely up tome to create my life and future, but I was miserable.
Although I had rejected motherhood, there was a longing inside me that wouldn’t go away. It was the same emptiness that all my efforts had failed to fulfill. I wondered if having a child to love could possibly fix me. I felt pressured to act because of my age. It felt unbearably risky to allow myself to want something that I had believed would only bring problems. The first risk was the decision to marry. Bond and I had already been living together several years, but that was not the way I wanted to start a family. When I was able to admit that I wanted a baby, I had to look at my drug and alcohol use. Before we tried to get pregnant, I became willing to try to stop using.
I had no idea how to get through a day without pot and beer. It was incomprehensible to me, but I tried. Immediately, I experienced anxiety close to panic. Someone told me that it had helped them quit smoking by attending a group at Kaiser. I called and was admitted to the outpatient program in Oakland.
Right away they affirmed that I had a serious problem with addition, and advided me to attend 90 12-step meetings in 90 days. Although this seemed extreme to me, I did it. I began to learn how to live clean and sober. The Kaiser program gave me the education and resources to begin to recover. Going to meetings created community and new, supportive relationships for living differently. Working the 12 steps with others broke through the isolation and self-defeating behaviors. I experienced people loving me in the midst of my brokenness. I worked on recovering with everything I had because it was so life-giving. I embraced all the tools that are suggested for recovery: lots of meetings, phone calls, working the steps, having a sponsor, program literature, service, slogans, everything. For at least five years I went to 12-step meetings every day. I was in individual counseling and group counseling through the Kaiser program. I embraced the recovery process wholeheartedly because that’s what characterized my drug and alcohol use. I had been using all day, every day. I needed to plug in good habits to replace the self-destructive life-style that I had developed. I needed daily encouragement to choose to love and respect myself. I still do. Taking good care of myself is still challenging for me.
My spiritual journey developed as I worked the 12-step program. I began recovery alienated from the God of my childhood and deeply rebellious. Little by little, I made attempts to pray and see what happened. I experienced enough encouragement to begin to trust in a power greater than myself.
After I had been clean and sober a couple of years, we had the family I dad dared to want despite all the negativity of my past. I yearned for a spiritual community where my family could be included. When our son was 2, we chose a pre-school for him at FPCB, which was near our home at that time. As I brought him back and forth from pres-school, I noticed flyers inviting women to Mothers Council. They offered free childcare, right at his pre-school site. Eventually, I called to inquire and talked with Debbie Whaley on the phone. She was reassuring when I explained about my not being a Christian. My son Joe and I started attending Mother’s Council on Friday mornings. It was at that same time that we learned that Joe had special needs. The caregivers for Mothers Council also noticed Joe’s differences, and their awareness reassured me that we were cared about as we were cared for.
About a year after Gracie was born, I was invited to go on an overnight Women’s retreat. The prospect of an unbroken night’s sleep was what convinced me to go. During the retreat, the facilitator always ended her talks by suggesting that if anyone there had not invited Christ into their heart, please talk to her about it. I didn’t know what she was talking about, and eventually I gave up in to the curiosity and inquired. She showed me the four spiritual laws and explained that I was being confronted with a decision, right then in the moment. I know that not making a decision is, in fact, a decision. I felt compelled to consider the option before me. I explained that I was not convinced of the veracity of the 4 spiritual laws. She pointed out that I could step out in faith and invite Jesus into my heart. She said that was my part- God’s part is to provide the understanding. I decided to do it, and see what happened. I told the others at the retreat about my decision, and they treated it as very good news and lined up to hug me. I was aware of an inner feeling of excited anticipation, just like when I learned I was expecting Joe and Gracie. I began to study the Bible with other Christians. I found that it was OK to have questions and doubts, and to simply accept that there are mysteries about God that are incomprehensible to me. That doesn’t mean that I can’t have a relationship with God, or that I’m a hypocrite because I don’t have explanations for difficult issues. I believe that faith in God is the key to experiencing healing transformation in recovery. My experience is that god honors even a wavering and uncertain faith.
The tools of recovery continue to support me as I live life on life’s terms. I’ve made difficult choices that felt right to me, even when all around me did not support my choices. One of these was to be a stay-at-home-mom, even though our financial situation made this seem impractical. When I was pregnant and nursing, I was drug and alcohol free. As the children grew older, I had to get help for the depression and need to take medication to function optimally. This is a fact of life for me. I don’t try to self-medicate; I use the resources that are available to me, including medical supervision. I must attend 12-step meetings at least once a week. This is where I tell the truth about what is going on inside. I must have a safe place to do that on a regular basis.
Being a good enough parent is a challenging every single day. My son has special needs, and that creates its own family dynamic. Family life can be just as difficult as I always feared it was! But it is even more satisfying and wonderful too. It opened the world up in a whole new way. I’ve been married now for over 17 years. Being in a committed relationship used to seem impossible. In recovery, I’m able to appreciate my husband for who he is, and be grateful for our life together. Problems don’t seem insurmountable. This is because of the gift of faith in a power greater than myself, and the tools I’m acquiring as I recover from co-dependency.
Currently, I’m undertaking a project that was unimaginable to me when I began recovery almost 11 years ago. I’ve just completed four years of graduate level training for pastoral ministry at San Francisco Theological Seminary. I’ve gotten this far by using a small-step process of just doing the next right thing. I don’t have a master plan for my future. I’m trusting my future to my Lord and Master, Jesus Christ. By the grace of God, I have a peace of mind today that passes understanding. Today I can admit that I want to change the world! In the midst of overwhelming circumstances, I am glad to be alive and dare to believe that God can use me to make a difference. It feels good to know that I don’t have to have all the answers. I don’t have to be perfect. I don’t have to pretend to feel different or be different than who I really am.
One of the biggest struggles I contend with is the urge to give in to discouragement. Our culture tells me to wish I were younger, richer, smarter, more successful, more energetic, wittier, funnier, and just plain better and different. All of this tempts me to give up before I even try to make the world a better place. But the word of God tells me to choose life. It is messy business. I don’t always do it gracefully or well, although I want to. Today I live life with a grateful heart. When I get overwhelmed, I have tools that help me. I don’t have to do it alone. I look forward to the future with hope, because of what God has done for me.
Two years ago I felt I could not take another step and wanted my life to end. God interceded and led me to Celebrate Recovery, where I have learned to forgive myself of my past and look towards a better future.
Showing me the light. I have God in my life today and new friends that don’t judge me!
Helping me to learn to walk in purity with Jesus Christ. I am getting closer to Him and God is making me over in His image. I have an increased peace, a consistent joy as I put aside sin and recover from my past hurts, hang-ups and bad habits."
"Bringing Jesus into my 12-step program. As a believer who struggles with lust, my heavenly Father has given me safety among other like- minded men. I can be honest with my fears and failures. Through these guys, the 12-steps and my sponsor, God has carved out my loneliness and anger. I feel like I’m being freed of the bondage I received by my sin. I feel the freedom that Jesus purchased for me on Calvary.
God has revealed to me how the pain, sin and weakness from my past can all be used for His glory in Celebrate Recovery. God’s purpose was to use my weakness as strength. I have some new friends that care about me and understand me. May I always remember to give God all the glory for my recovery.
"I had only attended Grace Church two or three times when a friend mentioned to me a new group, which was starting called Celebrate Recovery. I attended the first meeting and have been part of this recovery process for almost a year now. I have met many special people and found supportive friendships that have given me a deep sense of finally finding a place where I belong."
"Through this recovery process of being willing to share with others I have begun changing my life and building a relationship with Jesus Christ."
"God has blessed by life through Celebrate Recovery by giving me a group of women that I can share everything with and know that they will still love me. I believe I've been searching for a group of friends like this my whole life. One that I know I can trust to always love and support me! It's almost as if I get an hour with Jesus every Sunday night, where there is no pretending and no masks."
I was sexually abused when I was 6 years of age, experienced date rape as a teenager, again as young adult, and struggled through 3 abusive marriages. I was always trying to fix things myself and kept trying harder, only to set myself up for failure. On the outside I looked good, was financially successful and should have been living a happy life. However, inside I was depressed, anxious and frustrated with everything and everyone around me. Finally I got help and was able to start talking about my past and not be afraid or feel shamed for my mistakes. My life has truly changed, and a big part of that is due to Celebrate Recovery. Having a support group of women that understand and encourage me is truly a blessing from God. I am so grateful to be part of this ministry. I now realize that the only way to healing is through the one and only higher power - Jesus Christ and not through my own will.
-A Woman from CR
I first went to Celebrate Recovery when it had just started in Sept. 2001. At that time, I was six months sober from my addiction to alcohol. I was attending local AA meetings, and the concept of a Christ centered 12 step program was very alluring. You see, while I was still drinking, I didn’t feel like I belonged in a church. I felt hypocritical about putting on my “Sunday best” and carefully editing what I d shared with other members of the congregation. It was “OK” to share problems, but not if they made me look “bad” or immoral. I was experiencing enough shame in my life and didn’t want an additional person passing judgment on me. My marriage was failing, my children were distancing themselves from me, I was starting to have black outs, and all I could look forward to was my next drink. It’s no wonder that I was also struggling with clinical depression. As my life spiraled down, my connection with God only served as a reminder that I had a lot to feel guilty about…At Celebrate Recovery I was able to let go of my shame. I was able to experience the grace that God has been offering to me all along. Celebrate Recovery is a safe place where I can share my struggles and expose my pain. I feel loved and accepted right where I am. I also receive encouragement and am held accountable for those things with which I continue to struggle. God never said our lives would be trouble free, but He did promise never to waste a sorrow. Alcoholism used to be my deepest, darkest secret. When I turned my life and my will over to God, I saw how He used my sickness to bring my family and me back to Him. This month I celebrate my 3rd year of recovery. It’s been a journey filled with blessings and discovery. Through the healing process I have discovered that my hope comes from knowing God is in charge and He has a perfect plan for my life. I have also experienced true joy for the first time in my life, because I know how precious I am to God.
I started drinking in college, then experimented with drugs while in the Marine corp. As my career advanced, it seems I needed alcohol more and more in my life. I would rationalize my drinking, and justify it by the fact that I was working, was financially secure, and earning more money than I'd ever earned before. I thought an individual who had a problem with alcohol couldn't be successful. Therefore, I wasn't an alcoholic. I was so self centered, I couldn't see how it was hurting my wife, children, and career. Of course my life style and heavy spending eventually caught up with me. I was lying to my wife, would stay out later and later at night, lost 2 jobs, received 2 DUI's, and then finally knew I needed help.
When I checked into a treatment center, it was the scariest thing I've ever been faced with. What if I failed? What if I couldn't quit? That was almost 4 years ago. Today I'm sober, going to Celebrate Recovery every Friday night, attending the CR Men's Step Study, and have built a new life. I'm growing closer to God daily and now know the freedom and joy of living without drinking or drugs. I am an alcoholic. There are certain things I cannot do. There are certain things I've got to do. Being humble, willing to learn, and accepting God's love for me, just the way I am! It's only through God's power that I don't drink. I'm so blessed for the friends and spiritual mentor's that are in my life now thanks to Celebrate Recovery and RHCC.
lost my virginity when I was 12 years old with a women old enough to be my Mother. I would find Playboy magazines in my parents bedroom and read them from cover to cover whenever I could. As I grew older, my needs and sex drives just got stronger, and once legally old enough, started frequenting the topless bars. Then the internet really opened the door for me, as I could go on line whenever I wanted no matter what time of day or night, and get my fixes. Finally, after a DUI, almost losing my job and family, I got help. It's been a long battle, but with the help of my accountability partners in CR, Friday night support group, the Christ centered 12 steps, and living "one day at a time"; constantly turning my will over to God, I'm now 14 months sober from pornography and 2 years from alcohol. The triggers are further apart now, and I'm enjoying life and feeling a peace I never thought possible. I thank God everyday and know I could never go back to that life again.
-Man from Sexual Addictions group
The Insanity of my addiction!
(THE JIM ROBERTS STORY)
By: Jim Roberts
Hi - My name is Jim. I'm a believer who struggles with alcohol and drug addiction:
Ephesians 5:18, "Do not get drunk with wine, which will only ruin you; instead be filled with the Spirit."
I would like to take you back to the insanity of my addiction. I felt that I couldn't let the spirit of Christ's love in my soul. God's awesome love will really mess up your partying, I feared. I found it impossible to be on a alcohol or drug bender and do what God wants however.
I was in and out of incarceration from the time I was about 17 until I was 37. My life consisted of always chasing the next high, and being incarcerated. Proverbs 23:20-21, "Do not join those who drink too much wine or gorge themselves on meat, for drunkards and gluttons become poor, and drowsiness clothes them in rags."
I had no good family contact, even with my daughter. At one point I was ready to sign adoption papers, just so I wouldn't have to pay child support. This way I would have more money to drink and drug with. I thank God that never happened though. I had no conscience for, or about my actions. I didn't care who I hurt. I was running from myself and all the problems and joys of life. My mere existence of life was being in a state of intoxication, functioning at .20 BAC; if I got below that I was sick. Isolation was also one of my problems. I would get a motel room and be in there alone for days just getting high.
Another wonderful personality trait from my addiction was always being on the defensive. “What can YOU do for me” was my motto. Always wanting to be accepted and “fit in”, but not fitting comfortably in my own skin. I had no clue how wonderful the “Spirit” can make you feel, the joy and complete freedom manifested by God’s love.
I had a few incidents that put me near death. One was when I was an Iron worker. I was still high from the night before, but I went up on the iron anyway. I took a fall from the iron that day. I hit my head on a I-beam on the way down to the concrete floor below me. I busted my head and my body up very bad. I remember the first thing out of the doctors mouth was “son you should be dead, you must have an angel over you.” That didn't stop me from my addiction though. I didn't or couldn't work. I was disabled.. It just gave me time to do more research on my addiction. I ended up getting a very large cash settlement of $20,000 over this. The only thing that I have to show from all that money is a bicycle, and a lot of “temporary” friends.
I longed to be loved but didn't feel worthy. Even though I knew what Christ had done for me, at the cross, and his everlasting love and forgiveness, I still didn't feel worthy of His love and forgiveness. This I came to find out is a repercussion of living in the flesh and living for the moment -- the next high, the next thrill.
I put on a good act for Christ, especially when I was incarcerated. I was one of those “Jail house pastors.” I still had no real conviction in my heart and soul. My thoughts were - what could God do for me, not what or how can I serve and please God. My attitude towards other people really was not very Christ like during those times either. I was such a "pleasant" person to be around. I was doing God's work being the judge or “judgmental.” I was a user always being your ‘friend” for what you had, not who you were. I was constantly angry at everyone, especially if they didn't do it “MY WAY” - (Proverbs 18:24) “A man who has friends must be friendly, but there is a friend that sticks closer than a brother”
I found one of my many bottoms when my weight had gone down to 105 lbs, I am now at 165. So you can imagine how messed up I was, and how bad I looked. Funny thing, I thought I still looked so good. I attempted suicide because I was so low, and self-centered. I was in the state of “poor me.” I felt if I just ended it all, I wouldn't hurt anyone anymore. I was so tired of my life as I knew it, not as God wanted it, so why go on. I took a .38 and held it up to my head and pulled the trigger, and the gun went off, but I was still alive. I did this at my mom and dad’s house, so my mom, hearing the shot, came running into the room. There I stood ears ringing and powder burns on my head but still alive. After all the commotion had calmed down, my dad checked the gun; the slug had been shot, but it was nowhere to be found. There was not a single hole in the room anywhere; we searched and searched. It should be in my head but it wasn’t. We all believe that this was a true intervention of God.
If any of you feel or have felt this low, remember this: You have been promised a marvelous future. It's In the Bible, Jeremiah 29:11. "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."
This is when I believe Christ opened my heart to Him. Jesus showed me an "angel." An angel that had been right in front of me all the time. Putting up with the chaos I lived in, because as she said “I saw something in you that was good.” Today years later I'm married to that angel. We live our lives with each other according to this verse, 1 Cor 7:3 that says, “Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband”. Based on that scripture, and some counseling, we have built a wonderful marriage. A marriage where Christ is the centerpiece of our lives together.
I finally found my way into recovery when I was facing yet another prison term. You will do anything to look good in the eyes of the correctional system. I was sick of my life, or the mere existence of what I called living. So I checked myself into Longford Care Unit. This was the first rehab that I had been in. I found out that I was “POWERLESS“. That without God in my life, true recovery and peace was hopeless. My ever-growing personal relationship with Jesus Christ came from being nothing to being everything. Today I pursue the knowledge that is there for our taking, just like our salvation.. Psalm 37:23-24, "The steps of good men are directed by the Lord. He delights in each step they take. If they fall it isn't fatal, for the Lord holds them with His hand."
I have never known such joy and peace. I never thought being so dependent {on God} would make me so strong. I believe that with the spirit and obedience to God, along with Celebrate Recovery is what keep me sane and in recovery today. My life hasn’t been an easy road. I have had my ups and downs. As it says in the big book of A.A. “We are not Saints; we strive for spiritual growth rather than spiritual perfection.” I have had one very brief relapse. But by working an honest program I learned how I set myself up for this fall. Now my program, and walk with God is stronger than ever before.
Working the Celebrate Recovery program and getting involved gave me a great life, a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, and the ability to know peace. The only peace that comes from knowing Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior and being in honest recovery. What comes with that is, the hope that when my time comes, and I stand before the Lord I will hear these precious words, “Good work my son! Come with me and live in paradise for eternity.”
While being in recovery everything started to change; surprise! I care about all people today. The people that are around me today are my real friends. I care about them and they care about me. It's not about how much alcohol or drugs I can buy; it's about how much we care about each other and love Christ.
Areas of my old life are gone, and boy how have they changed. The old empty hole in my heart has been and continues to be filled with God's loving Spirit, and the love and support of my wife and family. My wife and I have total trust in each other. Trust is something I never had in my life before. Trust is something that makes a relationship whole. Today my kids and grandkids love me because they know how much they matter to me. (2 Cor 5:17 ) “Therefore anyone who is in Christ is a new creation; the old things have passed away; behold all things are new.”
Before I let Christ back into my heart, God's love was something that I couldn't understand. Today I stand for Christ. I have been blessed to lead a Prison Ministry today that is growing in ways that I couldn’t have even dreamed. God is working his miracles in this ministry. Doors that were shut are being opened as if they were never there. I am now looking forward to going into the ministry full time. (Proverbs 3:5-6) “Trust in thy Lord with all thy heart, lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and he shall guide your paths."
The benefits of my new life are too numerous to count. God has blessed me ten-fold. I have a new life in Christ and a promise of eternity with Him. A wonderful relationship with my daughter and family again. Knowing how much good God wants for me, and how much He loves me is everything. A number of years ago I couldn't even imagine a life like the one I have today. “God is good!”
DRUGS, SEX & BOOZE JUST DON'T GET IT!!
(The Rod Manney Story)
By: Rod Manney
When I was growing up our family went to church for funerals and Easter. I didn't understand at the time what Easter was all about, but we did get lots of eggs and chocolate bunnies. When I was 14 or 15, I had a girlfriend whose mother didn't like me because I didn't go to church. I smoked, I drank beer, and lived a lifestyle that was opposed to everything that she believed in. One Sunday I went to Sunday school with her to get her mother to like me. The Sunday school teacher saw the pack of cigarettes in my pocket
and began a sermon that changed my life. When I left her class that morning I knew that God hated me and I was going to hell for eternity. That was my first real introduction to the churches view, and I knew that I belonged to the devil.
My parents split up that year and we moved to another state for a few months, and then back to Michigan, to a city called Pontiac. My mother moved in with her boyfriend and I moved into my own apartment. I had a job, a car, and an attitude. I drank a lot and ran around with the wrong people. When I was 19, I was sitting in Oakland county jail waiting to go to trial for B&E Night-time, and because one of the guys I was with broke open a stamp machine, which made it a federal offense, I was facing 15 years in the pen.
I got a break when the owner of the store that was broken into said he would drop the charges against me if I would join any branch of the military. So with all of the brainwaves I could muster up I decided that 4 years in the service with pay was better than 15 years in the pen without pay. That was March 22 1964 when I found myself in boot camp, and in November 1965, I was in DaNang, Viet Nam, thinking I was never going to see the USA again. I was wrong and by the end of October of 1966, I was home. I got a job, got a wife, then a different wife, then some motorcycles, some attitude, partied a lot, moved to Illinois, and moved some more women into the house.
My life at this point in time consisted of work, alcohol, drugs, sex, cycles, and hate. I was using the G.I. bill to go to college since I got my High school diploma by way of G.E.D. while in the service. Twice a week I would go to school after work and all I could think about for the 60 minutes that it took me to drive to school and the 60 minutes that it took me to drive home, was how I wanted to torture my stepfather to death. I thought how I could sneak into his house, take him to an abandoned coal mine, and torture him until he died. I would think about pulling one of his eyeballs out and telling him why I did it. Then I thought I would come back the next day and pull the other eye out and tell him why, and cut a finger off and tell him why.
My life was such a confusing mess when I was 30 years old, and I thought I was living in a world that every man wanted. I had sex with different women every night, I did all the drugs I wanted and stayed drunk. I had a wife that enjoyed the same life-style, and hated the same man that I did.
Then one day while I was paneling the garage of the house we had just finished building, a strange thing happened to me.
It was 3:30 pm, and since at that point in time I was smoking four packs of camel cigarettes a day, and had no intention of slowing down, I pulled a cigarette out of the pack and as I tried to put it in my mouth, my hand threw it to the ground. I was so surprised, because I didn't feel anything in hand, I didn't want to throw it down, and I really wanted a cigarette. So I pulled another one out of the pack and as I tried to put it in my mouth, my hand threw it down. I remember thinking that something was wrong. I didn't want to throw it down, and I didn't feel any twitch or jerk or anything abnormal. So I thought it must have something to do with the drugs, or something was drastically wrong with my hand. So I pulled out the pack and flipped one up and held the pack real tight and started putting it to my mouth, really concentrating to get that cigarette into my mouth and beat whatever this was that was in control of my hand. Suddenly my hand threw the whole pack to the ground.
At this point, I thought I had lost it. I knew I was having a reaction to drugs or had gone crazy or something. Having boxed when I was younger and studied Karate for the previous 10 years and being in excellent physical condition, and always being in complete control of my body, I didn't have any other way to explain what was happening to me other than the drugs.
Then, while my mind was trying to figure out what was going on, I heard my mouth saying, "O.K. Lord, if you don't want me to smoke. I will never touch another one."
Then I thought I had gone crazy. Then I started thinking...who is Lord? Who could make my hand throw down cigarettes? Who could speak through my mouth? Who is Lord? These thoughts were bombarding my mind when suddenly, I met the personality of Jesus Christ. That's the only way I know how to describe what happened. I didn't feel anything, and I didn't feel any different. I simply met the personality of Jesus on the inside of me and I knew that He was the Son of God. I couldn't wait to get home and tell the women that I met God and how he took cigarettes out of my hand, and how they were going to have to help me not smoke any more.
When I got home, the women were getting dinner ready as usual, and when I walked in one of them asked me what I wanted to drink. My usual response would have been, 7&7 or rum & coke or beer, but all I wanted was a Pepsi, so that's what I said I wanted and that's what I got. Then one of them asked me to roll a joint and get out the mescaline. When I started to think of which I wanted to do first, I realized that I didn't want to do either one. That's when it hit me that I was going to go to bed with these women and I didn't feel right about it any more.
During dinner, I explained what had happened to me, and explained that I would have to find them somewhere else to live. Without feeling anything happen on the inside, every one of my former desires was gone, and I wanted to get a bible. About two weeks later the stepfather that I spent so many hours planning his death, was suddenly standing on my front porch, and all I wanted to do was tell him how Jesus had changed my entire life. I think that was the point in time when I realized that not only did I not have any bitter feelings toward him, but also I hadn't even wanted a cigarette, or drugs or another woman other than my wife, or booze.
I read the gospel of John repeatedly and I had a good understanding of what had happened to me, and it was called being born again. Old things had passed away and all things had become new. A few weeks later, I received the baptism of the Holy Spirit, and a whole new world of understanding and power opened up to me. Miracles started happening all around me, my entire family turned to Christ, lives got changed by the power of prayer, cancers were healed, I saw the dead raised.
The greatest thing that happened is my relationship with God. I know that the Sunday-school teacher that convinced me that God hated me was wrong. He had always loved me and had even changed circumstances in my life to get me out of hardships that I had caused myself. I know what it is like to have a Father that loves me, a Father that I can trust to always be there for me, to be for me and not against me. I don't have to fight and hurt people any more. I have peace in my heart and faith in God that all is well in my life.
Jesus said, " Behold, I stand at the door and knock: if any man hear my voice and open the door, I will come in to him and dine with him and he with Me."
If you are reading this and would like Jesus to come into your heart and change your life...If you would like to know in your heart that you are really loved...If you would like to have a peace in your heart that no-one can take away...then I encourage you to...
Listen for that still small vice that seems to come from within you, open your heart and say: Lord Jesus come into my heart, and change my life. HE WILL DO IT. He has promised, and He has never broken a promise. Come to Him as you are, that's the way He wants you. Love, joy, and peace be multiplied to you in Jesus' name.
If you would like to talk to me, I can be reached at ramrod@gulftel.com.
Rod Manney
"My Hidden Life and The Walls Between Myself and God"
My name is Chuck Dyer. I am a believer in our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ and I struggle with Pornography, Sexual Addiction and other compulsive behaviors... Yes. People do become addicted to this type of destructive and compulsive behavior and it is a very difficult struggle to break free from.
I am giving my testimony in hopes of helping others with similar struggles.
To help you understand the genesis of my struggles, I need to take you back to where it all began, but before I do that, I want you to know that I take full responsibility for my actions as an adult...
As I child I experienced a great deal of pain and loneliness growing up. Both of my parents struggled with alcoholism, abuse, and emotional distress most of their adult lives.
When I was very young boy, my family lived in southern California until I was in 7th grade. These were my formative years where I would form my perception of the world and what was right and wrong. All through these years, both my mother and father would abuse me both emotionally and physically. I remember being locked outside of the house for hours and then given a beating when the doors were unlocked. Fear was definitely part of my life. I don’t remember anytime in my youth were everything was going great. I didn’t complain though, I thought that all families were like mine!
Also, during these early years, I was exposed to many inappropriate sexual situations and materials as early as 9 yo. This had a big affect on my perception of life and was responsible for the early development of my sexual struggles! As an adult, I now understand that my parents were too deep in their own problems to have the capacity to help or get counseling for me and that they were doing the best that they could.
When I was in 7th grade, my father experienced a severe emotional break down that put him in a psychiatric hospital for a brief period. After my father was well enough to return to his job, my mother and father both decided to change there life by moving to Northern California where they planned to open (of all things) a liquor store with my uncle Bill. Imagine that - Alcoholics opening a liquor store! They were definitely well prepared for the job!
After the move to N Cal, It didn’t take long for the dysfunctional behaviors on my parents to resurface and in fact they returned with a vengeance! My father alcoholism reached an all time LOW and he was coming home drunk several times of the week. My dad was the type of drunk that got mean and I can remember many nights of yelling, pushing, cussing, and screaming between my parents – This usually happened around 2 or 3 AM. To make things worse, my mother was not emotionally stable and she could not handle my father and us kids. The most traumatic memories I have are of the three times that my mother attempted to kill herself with an overdose of drugs. I can remember trying help save my mom’s life and calling 911.
All of this insanity led me to seek peace through isolation and self destructive behaviors. I desperately needed to escape and to medicate my soul. My drug of choice became pornography and compulsive sex. I was fully addicted by 13 yo!
The insanity of my addiction and the crazy stuff that happened in my family continued all through my teen years. At 17 yo, I could not live in this hell anymore and I decided to join the Navy to get out of there! While I was in the Navy, I abused alcohol and drugs, but these substances never replaced my sexual addiction.
Through the years, my addiction got worse and I became tangled in a web shame, denial and lies. Deep down, I knew that my behaviors were not normal and I desperately wanted to be free from my personal hell, but I believed that I was defective (a freak) and that I could never tell anyone. Being a survivor, I tried to help myself, but sadly, I could never break free. My addiction turned in to a circle of shame, repentance, and short freedom, but when life got tough, I would always return to the numbing environment of my addiction. I got trapped in my addiction as a child, but later in life I had choices and I made the wrong ones – I take full responsibility for my actions.
Fast forward to late 2003 and early 2004... Changing from the Old me to the New me...
Late 2003, I was still entrenched in my addiction and I felt deep pain and shame. I remember crying out to God to help me break free. I prayed for god to intercede. God answered my prayers, but not exactly as I had hoped. In March 2004, I hit bottom. I fell in to deep depression and I felt severe anxiety. I became physically and emotionally sick for several months and I was forced to take a leave of absence from my job. My depression took me to the depths of despair – Sadly, I considered suicide several times and I still remember placing the pills in my hand and looking at them! Thank God that I realized that I loved my wife and family far too much and that I would cause damage to everyone. At that moment, I knew that I needed to ask for help. I prayed to god all night long and the next morning I told my wife about the horrible thoughts that I had. My wife was shocked, but she remained strong and she reassured me that we would make it through this trial and that God will use all of our pain for his glory. God saved my life!
Here is one of my favorite bible verses that gave me hope...
Ephesians 2:4-5
“But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions – it is by grace you have been saved.."
“Dear God, thank you for loving me in my darkest times and offering to take me back!”
The next thing that God asked me to do was very hard – I told my wife about my addiction and that I was deeply sorry. As you can imagine, this revelation devastated my wife, but the Holy Spirit was with her and never left my side. She helped me through some of the toughest times of my life. She believed that God was working through her to help bring me back to sanity and health. I love my wife! She is awesome!
Weeks later God delivered again by directing my wife and I to a very wise Christian counselor that was experienced with these types of issues and he was exactly what both of us needed. We needed healing and to work through many issues from the past and in the present. Most of all, we needed to understand why we are here on this earth and how we could both change our lives to align with God’s will. I chose to believe that God places some people in the deep, dark forest to give them life experiences that help to further His plans and glorify his name.
As the months went by, both, my wife and I began to feel God’s presence in new and wonderful ways. Counseling was helping me with all of the ugly stuff inside me and my wife and I were rebuilding our marriage. The walls between myself and God and between my wife and I were coming down. I started to experience true intimacy with God and with my wife. I think that my wife experienced the same changes as well. Our love for God started to grow!
Here is one of my favorite bible verses that spoke to me and gave new meaning to my life...
"2 Cor 5:14
Since we believe that Christ died for everyone, we also believe that we have all died to the old life we used to live. He died for everyone so that those who receive his new life will no longer live to please themselves. Instead, they will live to please Christ, who died and was raised for them."
"Dear Jesus... Thank you dyeing for me! You are telling me that I no longer need to live only for myself and that my old-self can be put to death. You are what life is all about - Thank you Jesus!"
Fast forward to October 2004...
God revealed to me exactly what his plan was – I was equipped by Him to help fight against the evils of pornography and disrespect to his daughters. God never intended man to selfishly look at his daughters as objects for our own needs and desires. During this time, my brother introduced me to a wonderful program called Celebrate Recovery (a Christian based 12 step program) and invited me to his church and to CR. I decided to accept his invitation and I traveled to his church with a pastor friend of mine (David Meekins). During the weekend of our visit God pressed upon our hearts the importance of the CR ministry and He introduced us to several key people that helped us start our own Celebrate Recovery program in our Church.
In April of this year, we started our CR program with a large group of people attending (50+) and from that night it was very obvious to us that this ministry is desperately needed! Everyone is broken to some extent and that even the most harden people are human and want goodness in their lives.
Celebrate Recovery is growing and many people are healing themselves with the help of the Holy Spirit working through other people’s hands and through God himself. The most exciting aspect of this ministry is that I have the privilege of witnessing God’s miracles almost every day. I encourage anyone in need to join a Celebrate Recovery group.
After much healing for my wife and I, we have reshaped our marriage to help lift each other up to God through encouragement and selfless love. I am happy to tell you that this coming New Years Eve, my wife and I plan to recommit ourselves to one another and our marriage.
This time we are living for God!
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